Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Thursday, March 5, 2009

We love TBFC!!!

Big thanks go out to TBFC (The Brinson Fan Club) who sent these gorgeous flowers in remembrance of Cooper. Nana brought them over to Brinson today. We truly have appreciated all your support and prayers over the last year. We are planning a big party in May/June to celebrate Brinson (when we get the "ok" from the doc!) and I am hoping you all can make it. I'm so excited for her to be able to meet all of you!

Once she "saw" the flowers, it was all over. This was the best shot I could get..hahahaha!

My bday girl, then....and NOW!

The first picture of Brinson, taken by the NICU staff immediately after she was born.
1lb 2.9oz

This is our Brinson, this morning on her 1st birthday.
16lbs 110z.

Chillin with my Homies!

I took these yesterday. Meme is responsible for the hat...hahaha!

Yo, monkey!

I'm pretty sure that's some sort of gang sign.


Happy Happy Birthday to my Brinny Brin Brin!

Wow! A year ago today she said "Ready or not world, Here I am!!" I remember Ned and I looking down at her in the delivery room for that split second before they whisked her away to NICU.....and thinking, "Oh my god, look how small she is". As many of you know, we were told by the doctors via ultrasound, that the twins would be almost the same size. So, when she came out alot smaller than Cooper (she was 1lb 2.9oz, he was 1lb 7 1/2 oz, which makes a huge difference in babies that tiny) we were shocked. I knew in my gut that she was a fighter, however seeing her in the huge bed in NICU, I was so scared for her. I remember Daddy coming back to my hospital room after his NICU "Tour", and how visibly upset he was. I never really prayed very much, until then. But I prayed daily, and alot. I still pray every night, thanking God for her, because I KNOW that medically, there is no way that child should be alive right now and with hardly no issues from the aftermath. She is truly our miracle baby. I remember also how shocked the doctors and nurses in the hospital were when we found out she only had a Grade 1 bleed (which is considered just a bruise) on one side of her head. We found out via her next head ultrasound that it was totally gone.
By no means have we come out unscathed. When she perforated her abdomen at 1 week of age, she almost died. We came so close to losing her. Then, numerous surgeries for IV placements, and ROP, more abdominal issues, and there are probably even some things I'm forgetting. It's funny how you purge it. Or at least I have.
You know, when you're in the moment, you deal with it. Going back now, I realize how very hard it must've been for people to look at some of the pictures we posted. It's very hard for Ned and I. But when you're in the moment, it doesn't seem "that bad". When I look back at her pictures of when she was the same size as a BEANIE BABY, I am just amazed at where we are now. And I am so thankful.
I don't know how many more hurdles we will have to face, but they won't matter. We have our little Pumpkin. :)
Here are some pictures from a year ago:

Daddy's first pictures of the princess

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Little Sister

1:29pm came today and we were in the car driving home from B's last Synagis shot (yay). Brinson, who had been quiet most of the drive home, started to babble....and babble loudly. I bet she talked for about 2-3 mins straight. My mom and I were just speechless. Then, later in the day, at the same moment that Cooper passed, she started again. Now, she did some chatting in between, but was definitely more prounced at that time.
Also, as most of you know, Brinson is a happy baby. However, today, she laughed more than I've ever heard her before. No, I didn't get any videos. I just enjoyed her. I loved on her more than usual. The only time she was unhappy was when she got the shots. I think I cried more than she did. I remember her looking into my face as I was holding her, and she saw me crying, and stuck her lip out. I knew then, that I had to be happy. ..for her. So, I did have some tears today, but not too many. I have the most precious gift, I just wish so much that she would've gotten to meet Cooper.
Thank you to all of you who have commented on my last post. Thank you for the words of encouragement, love,caring, and support. Thank you for the compliments on the poem, it was one of the hardest I've ever written. I felt an enormous pressure to make Cooper proud...and I think he's pretty pleased...or at least I like to think so. :) And lastly, thank you again for taking this journey with us.
Here are some pictures of Brinson and Cooper together.

Brinson and Mommy today

Happy Birthday to my little boy

Our little boy Cooper was born at 1:29pm exactly one year ago today.

I was wanting to type this post at that exact moment, then remembered that Brinson has to go for her last Synagis shot today. So, I will be posting now, and then will be putting some pictures up later on in the day. We got to be with Cooper for a few hours before he passed away. I am sorry that Brinson will never get to meet him, but she will definitely know him through all of us.

So far, I've not cried today. Granted, it's only an hour into March 3rd, but hey, for me, that's pretty good. I need to remember him with happiness, and not thru tears of sadness.

Please, I would like everyone who reads this post today OR the other one I'll be putting up later, to leave a comment....anything really. You can even just sign your name. I just want to see lots of comments for THIS day.

Following this picture which I am putting in a corner on Brinson's birthday cake, is the poem I wrote for Cooper. God Bless you all.

COOPER, our angel

There's a bright angel up in Heaven
Whom we love and miss so much
Even though his time on earth was short
There are so many hearts that he did touch.

Our little boy grew his wings
One year ago today.
God called him up to Heaven
and asked him if he would stay.

He looked down at his sister Brinson
Still in their Mommy's womb
He spoke to her in great detail
While in the hospital room.

When he was done,he said
"God, If it will save her life
I will stay here with you."
God replied, "Cooper, you are so very brave
For that's just what you'll do.

You shall be her hero
With this selfless act you have done.
Cooper ,you will be the guardian angel
For your twin sister Brinson.

You will be with her
Every day of her life and with her every breath.
You will eternally watch over her
Until her day of death.

When her death day comes, little Cooper
She won't have to fear
She won't be frightened
Because with open arms, you'll be waiting for her here.

So, until that day dawns,
You shall sit upon her shoulder
You will be there when she laughs
And when she cries, you will hold her.

Mommy and Daddy will miss you
For forever and a day
But they understand what your job is,
and why you have to stay."

Monday, March 2, 2009

March is already a rough month for me

March started out very rough for me. I knew the following week would be difficult, but had no idea it would start today. It's funny how the mind works, once the thoughts (and tears for that matter) flow, there seems to be no stopping them. I should be happy. Very happy. My mom came in town today. I have a wonderful husband. And I have the most precious child in the world. But my heart is aching, for the little boy I lost a year ago this coming Tuesday. I didn't want to damper Cooper's birthday by blogging how much I've cried lately, so I thought I would just get it all out now. Yes, I've already got my post ready for Tuesday. I wanted to find a perfect poem for him, and ended up writing it myself. That way, I can say it is for Cooper personally, and not someone else's words.
I can tell you I was overcome with sorrow today, and lots of uncontrollable tears/crying. At one point, I think there was even some sobbing. I could hear his two cries after he was born, something I will never forget. We never even got to hear Brinson cry. I wonder if God meant it to be that way? I will never forget his little face, and how his nose crinkled when I touched it. These are the things we usually don't blog about, those things that which are so personal, and so very painful. This is the scene I have played over in my head 10000000 times. "What if?" I am trusting that God was with us that day, because that truly was my darkest one. I thought my g-pa's death was hard, then my gma's, then in 2005 I watched my dad die. That was pretty awful. I even lost a son in 1991 at 23weeks gestation. I remember vaguely getting to hold him briefly, but he passed during the birth, so it was different. Those were all extremely hard to deal with, but......Nothing compares to March 3, 2008.
Ned and I haven't been able to look at the pictures from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that were taken of Cooper with us and Nana and Aunt KD. I remember telling Ned that we would be able to look at them on the 1year anniversary of things. One year is not enough. Maybe next year?

I am looking towards the positive. I have the most beautiful daughter. I cannot tell you how deep my love goes for her. Those of you that have children can understand that love. I tell her about Cooper often, and she smiles at his name. I know he's in a good place, I'm just a little selfish at wanting him here. There are many times I am in her room, doing her nightly NG feed, and I watch her sleep. My heart aches knowing there should be a second crib, a second baby sleeping, a brother she will never get to meet, never get to beat up.
We all survived the passing of Cooper. Most days I'm okay. I know I'll be okay next week. I have a birthday party to organize, and a family to love. I just want Cooper to know, that he is always in my heart, and that I will do everything in my power for Brinson to know what he did for her. I just need to get past this week, and all the emotions that come with it.

I copied this poem off someone's blog a while back...It touched my heart.

I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?
"Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,when they leave is not their choice."
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Sometimes, this poem gets me through the day. Much love to all who read our blog. Thank you for staying on this journey with us. I am off to bed. Time to start tomorrow.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Another Mommy/Brinson moment

I enjoy capturing moments and I seize as many as I can. Sometimes you forget the details of the day and some bad days have great moments. This day Brinson did not walk or crawl or even do anything that you would document, but when I see my wife and my daughter sharing a moment like this one.....I remember life is amazing and every moment counts. Even now as I am blogging I am watching "The Brinson" interact with the excer-saucer and I just think.....if I could only capture the wheels turning as she spins the wheel and pushes the buttons and pulls on the attachments.....I guess somethings are too hard to visualize.

Enjoy the moment, I know I did.