March started out very rough for me. I knew the following week would be difficult, but had no idea it would start today. It's funny how the mind works, once the thoughts (and tears for that matter) flow, there seems to be no stopping them. I should be happy. Very happy. My mom came in town today. I have a wonderful husband. And I have the most precious child in the world. But my heart is aching, for the little boy I lost a year ago this coming Tuesday. I didn't want to damper Cooper's birthday by blogging how much I've cried lately, so I thought I would just get it all out now. Yes, I've already got my post ready for Tuesday. I wanted to find a perfect poem for him, and ended up writing it myself. That way, I can say it is for Cooper personally, and not someone else's words.
I can tell you I was overcome with sorrow today, and lots of uncontrollable tears/crying. At one point, I think there was even some sobbing. I could hear his two cries after he was born, something I will never forget. We never even got to hear Brinson cry. I wonder if God meant it to be that way? I will never forget his little face, and how his nose crinkled when I touched it. These are the things we usually don't blog about, those things that which are so personal, and so very painful. This is the scene I have played over in my head 10000000 times. "What if?" I am trusting that God was with us that day, because that truly was my darkest one. I thought my g-pa's death was hard, then my gma's, then in 2005 I watched my dad die. That was pretty awful. I even lost a son in 1991 at 23weeks gestation. I remember vaguely getting to hold him briefly, but he passed during the birth, so it was different. Those were all extremely hard to deal with, but......Nothing compares to March 3, 2008.
Ned and I haven't been able to look at the pictures from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that were taken of Cooper with us and Nana and Aunt KD. I remember telling Ned that we would be able to look at them on the 1year anniversary of things. One year is not enough. Maybe next year?
I am looking towards the positive. I have the most beautiful daughter. I cannot tell you how deep my love goes for her. Those of you that have children can understand that love. I tell her about Cooper often, and she smiles at his name. I know he's in a good place, I'm just a little selfish at wanting him here. There are many times I am in her room, doing her nightly NG feed, and I watch her sleep. My heart aches knowing there should be a second crib, a second baby sleeping, a brother she will never get to meet, never get to beat up.
We all survived the passing of Cooper. Most days I'm okay. I know I'll be okay next week. I have a birthday party to organize, and a family to love. I just want Cooper to know, that he is always in my heart, and that I will do everything in my power for Brinson to know what he did for her. I just need to get past this week, and all the emotions that come with it.
I copied this poem off someone's blog a while back...It touched my heart.
I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?
"Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,when they leave is not their choice."
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.
Sometimes, this poem gets me through the day. Much love to all who read our blog. Thank you for staying on this journey with us. I am off to bed. Time to start tomorrow.