Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Happy Birthday to my little boy
Our little boy Cooper was born at 1:29pm exactly one year ago today.
I was wanting to type this post at that exact moment, then remembered that Brinson has to go for her last Synagis shot today. So, I will be posting now, and then will be putting some pictures up later on in the day. We got to be with Cooper for a few hours before he passed away. I am sorry that Brinson will never get to meet him, but she will definitely know him through all of us.
So far, I've not cried today. Granted, it's only an hour into March 3rd, but hey, for me, that's pretty good. I need to remember him with happiness, and not thru tears of sadness.
Please, I would like everyone who reads this post today OR the other one I'll be putting up later, to leave a comment....anything really. You can even just sign your name. I just want to see lots of comments for THIS day.
Following this picture which I am putting in a corner on Brinson's birthday cake, is the poem I wrote for Cooper. God Bless you all.
.bmp)
COOPER, our angel
There's a bright angel up in Heaven
Whom we love and miss so much
Even though his time on earth was short
There are so many hearts that he did touch.
Our little boy grew his wings
One year ago today.
God called him up to Heaven
and asked him if he would stay.
He looked down at his sister Brinson
Still in their Mommy's womb
He spoke to her in great detail
While in the hospital room.
When he was done,he said
"God, If it will save her life
I will stay here with you."
God replied, "Cooper, you are so very brave
For that's just what you'll do.
You shall be her hero
With this selfless act you have done.
Cooper ,you will be the guardian angel
For your twin sister Brinson.
You will be with her
Every day of her life and with her every breath.
You will eternally watch over her
Until her day of death.
When her death day comes, little Cooper
She won't have to fear
She won't be frightened
Because with open arms, you'll be waiting for her here.
So, until that day dawns,
You shall sit upon her shoulder
You will be there when she laughs
And when she cries, you will hold her.
Mommy and Daddy will miss you
For forever and a day
But they understand what your job is,
and why you have to stay."
I was wanting to type this post at that exact moment, then remembered that Brinson has to go for her last Synagis shot today. So, I will be posting now, and then will be putting some pictures up later on in the day. We got to be with Cooper for a few hours before he passed away. I am sorry that Brinson will never get to meet him, but she will definitely know him through all of us.
So far, I've not cried today. Granted, it's only an hour into March 3rd, but hey, for me, that's pretty good. I need to remember him with happiness, and not thru tears of sadness.
Please, I would like everyone who reads this post today OR the other one I'll be putting up later, to leave a comment....anything really. You can even just sign your name. I just want to see lots of comments for THIS day.
Following this picture which I am putting in a corner on Brinson's birthday cake, is the poem I wrote for Cooper. God Bless you all.
.bmp)
COOPER, our angel
There's a bright angel up in Heaven
Whom we love and miss so much
Even though his time on earth was short
There are so many hearts that he did touch.
Our little boy grew his wings
One year ago today.
God called him up to Heaven
and asked him if he would stay.
He looked down at his sister Brinson
Still in their Mommy's womb
He spoke to her in great detail
While in the hospital room.
When he was done,he said
"God, If it will save her life
I will stay here with you."
God replied, "Cooper, you are so very brave
For that's just what you'll do.
You shall be her hero
With this selfless act you have done.
Cooper ,you will be the guardian angel
For your twin sister Brinson.
You will be with her
Every day of her life and with her every breath.
You will eternally watch over her
Until her day of death.
When her death day comes, little Cooper
She won't have to fear
She won't be frightened
Because with open arms, you'll be waiting for her here.
So, until that day dawns,
You shall sit upon her shoulder
You will be there when she laughs
And when she cries, you will hold her.
Mommy and Daddy will miss you
For forever and a day
But they understand what your job is,
and why you have to stay."
Monday, March 2, 2009
March is already a rough month for me
March started out very rough for me. I knew the following week would be difficult, but had no idea it would start today. It's funny how the mind works, once the thoughts (and tears for that matter) flow, there seems to be no stopping them. I should be happy. Very happy. My mom came in town today. I have a wonderful husband. And I have the most precious child in the world. But my heart is aching, for the little boy I lost a year ago this coming Tuesday. I didn't want to damper Cooper's birthday by blogging how much I've cried lately, so I thought I would just get it all out now. Yes, I've already got my post ready for Tuesday. I wanted to find a perfect poem for him, and ended up writing it myself. That way, I can say it is for Cooper personally, and not someone else's words.
I can tell you I was overcome with sorrow today, and lots of uncontrollable tears/crying. At one point, I think there was even some sobbing. I could hear his two cries after he was born, something I will never forget. We never even got to hear Brinson cry. I wonder if God meant it to be that way? I will never forget his little face, and how his nose crinkled when I touched it. These are the things we usually don't blog about, those things that which are so personal, and so very painful. This is the scene I have played over in my head 10000000 times. "What if?" I am trusting that God was with us that day, because that truly was my darkest one. I thought my g-pa's death was hard, then my gma's, then in 2005 I watched my dad die. That was pretty awful. I even lost a son in 1991 at 23weeks gestation. I remember vaguely getting to hold him briefly, but he passed during the birth, so it was different. Those were all extremely hard to deal with, but......Nothing compares to March 3, 2008.
Ned and I haven't been able to look at the pictures from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that were taken of Cooper with us and Nana and Aunt KD. I remember telling Ned that we would be able to look at them on the 1year anniversary of things. One year is not enough. Maybe next year?
I am looking towards the positive. I have the most beautiful daughter. I cannot tell you how deep my love goes for her. Those of you that have children can understand that love. I tell her about Cooper often, and she smiles at his name. I know he's in a good place, I'm just a little selfish at wanting him here. There are many times I am in her room, doing her nightly NG feed, and I watch her sleep. My heart aches knowing there should be a second crib, a second baby sleeping, a brother she will never get to meet, never get to beat up.
We all survived the passing of Cooper. Most days I'm okay. I know I'll be okay next week. I have a birthday party to organize, and a family to love. I just want Cooper to know, that he is always in my heart, and that I will do everything in my power for Brinson to know what he did for her. I just need to get past this week, and all the emotions that come with it.
I copied this poem off someone's blog a while back...It touched my heart.
I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?
"Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,when they leave is not their choice."
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.
Sometimes, this poem gets me through the day. Much love to all who read our blog. Thank you for staying on this journey with us. I am off to bed. Time to start tomorrow.
I can tell you I was overcome with sorrow today, and lots of uncontrollable tears/crying. At one point, I think there was even some sobbing. I could hear his two cries after he was born, something I will never forget. We never even got to hear Brinson cry. I wonder if God meant it to be that way? I will never forget his little face, and how his nose crinkled when I touched it. These are the things we usually don't blog about, those things that which are so personal, and so very painful. This is the scene I have played over in my head 10000000 times. "What if?" I am trusting that God was with us that day, because that truly was my darkest one. I thought my g-pa's death was hard, then my gma's, then in 2005 I watched my dad die. That was pretty awful. I even lost a son in 1991 at 23weeks gestation. I remember vaguely getting to hold him briefly, but he passed during the birth, so it was different. Those were all extremely hard to deal with, but......Nothing compares to March 3, 2008.
Ned and I haven't been able to look at the pictures from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that were taken of Cooper with us and Nana and Aunt KD. I remember telling Ned that we would be able to look at them on the 1year anniversary of things. One year is not enough. Maybe next year?
I am looking towards the positive. I have the most beautiful daughter. I cannot tell you how deep my love goes for her. Those of you that have children can understand that love. I tell her about Cooper often, and she smiles at his name. I know he's in a good place, I'm just a little selfish at wanting him here. There are many times I am in her room, doing her nightly NG feed, and I watch her sleep. My heart aches knowing there should be a second crib, a second baby sleeping, a brother she will never get to meet, never get to beat up.
We all survived the passing of Cooper. Most days I'm okay. I know I'll be okay next week. I have a birthday party to organize, and a family to love. I just want Cooper to know, that he is always in my heart, and that I will do everything in my power for Brinson to know what he did for her. I just need to get past this week, and all the emotions that come with it.
I copied this poem off someone's blog a while back...It touched my heart.
I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?
"Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,when they leave is not their choice."
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start.
Sometimes, this poem gets me through the day. Much love to all who read our blog. Thank you for staying on this journey with us. I am off to bed. Time to start tomorrow.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Another Mommy/Brinson moment
I enjoy capturing moments and I seize as many as I can. Sometimes you forget the details of the day and some bad days have great moments. This day Brinson did not walk or crawl or even do anything that you would document, but when I see my wife and my daughter sharing a moment like this one.....I remember life is amazing and every moment counts. Even now as I am blogging I am watching "The Brinson" interact with the excer-saucer and I just think.....if I could only capture the wheels turning as she spins the wheel and pushes the buttons and pulls on the attachments.....I guess somethings are too hard to visualize.Enjoy the moment, I know I did.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Sitting up
It is pretty amazing for us to see Brinson growing and striving to be like us. Well yesterday she started sitting up. I know it sounds strange, but it was just like that. First it was for a few minutes, but last nite and early yesterday day it was like 40 minutes at a time.
She is just stronger. Zachary's mom told us it would be sudden. She said, "One day he couldn't sit up by himself and next he could."
It was exactly like that.
The camera just caught this one, I have no idea what it is about. She is certainly not sad, but it is a pretty funny expression. "Daddy, do I have to?"
"Dad what is the big deal?, I got this."
"This is aweshummmm!!"
Just a cutie!
Wow, a little wobble
"WooWoo, I love this."
She is just stronger. Zachary's mom told us it would be sudden. She said, "One day he couldn't sit up by himself and next he could."
It was exactly like that.
The camera just caught this one, I have no idea what it is about. She is certainly not sad, but it is a pretty funny expression. "Daddy, do I have to?"
"Dad what is the big deal?, I got this."
"This is aweshummmm!!"
Just a cutie!
Wow, a little wobble
"WooWoo, I love this."
Friday, February 27, 2009
Ilovemyduckytub!
Thanks to Kim and Stephen who gave us this ducky tub a lonnnnnnnnnnnnng time ago when B was still in the hospital.. We are finally getting to use it. The bill of the duck quacks when you squeeze it, and she gets so excited.
I took Brinson outside today. We sat on a blanket in the yard, and she actually sat...no hands. She's still a little scared, and Mommy didn't manage to get pics. Hopefully Daddy will post videos soon, he's been really busy lately.
**On a side note, please keep The Townsends in your thoughts and prayers. Aubrey (who was B's next door neighbor in NICU) is in the hospital after an apneic episode at home last night. They are running tests to see what's going on. Keep your fingers crossed that it is nothing serious. We all worry when one of "us" gets sick. They are good friends of ours and I know would appreciate all the prayers we can give them.**
I took Brinson outside today. We sat on a blanket in the yard, and she actually sat...no hands. She's still a little scared, and Mommy didn't manage to get pics. Hopefully Daddy will post videos soon, he's been really busy lately.
**On a side note, please keep The Townsends in your thoughts and prayers. Aubrey (who was B's next door neighbor in NICU) is in the hospital after an apneic episode at home last night. They are running tests to see what's going on. Keep your fingers crossed that it is nothing serious. We all worry when one of "us" gets sick. They are good friends of ours and I know would appreciate all the prayers we can give them.**
Monday, February 23, 2009
"BBB" or..Brinson's Boyfriend's Birthday!
Today,Mr. Zachary Baldwin AKA Z-man AKA Brin's Boy Toy turned the big !!! What a milestone....he is the first of our "NICU CLAN" to have his bday. I couldn't be happier for Kim and Stephen. They were our first friends in the NICU. We met them way back in the beginning, when Brinson was a noobie and was Z's podmate...I remember Stephen's first words to me..."Wow, you have regular clothes on now!" (Of course that's not really quoted but close) After days on end in a hospital gown, it was nice to be noticed in street clothes! And Kim, she is like a sister to me. We already have Z and B's wedding plans initiated!!!
To start out as strangers in such a scary environment, it is so heartwarming to come out of it with such wonderful people as friends. We love you guys, and are TRULY so proud to be able to celebrate this momentous occasion!!!
To start out as strangers in such a scary environment, it is so heartwarming to come out of it with such wonderful people as friends. We love you guys, and are TRULY so proud to be able to celebrate this momentous occasion!!!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Scary night for Mommy
Well, we had our first "bad" night. Ned probably thinks I'm overreacting, but it scared the hell outta me. Friday, I had started Brin on some yogurt. I gave her 1tbsp in the morning...which she could've cared less about. I also ground up some of the "puffs" to add to her cereal for texture. Both were recommended by dietary/OT. I also gave her some apple prune juice...not much. And let's not forget the teeeeny taste of chocolate bundt cake from Daddy's bday.
Ok, so I'm up to feed her, and she's a bit refluxy. I go in to feed her and she had a huge poopy diaper. This makes #4 for the day. No diarrhea. After I get done feeding her, she vomits all over the crib and herself. I go wake Daddy up because I need help. We change her bed, her clothes and Daddy takes her to the living room. She vomits two more times on Daddy, once while she was asleep....and then has another huge diaper, this one is diarrhea. 5 bowel movements in 24 hrs.....ugh. Mommy, at this point, is trying not to panic. No fever, however she is crying thru the raspberries she keeps doing. Lots of refluxy coughing/gagging. We ended up taking out her NG tube, thinking that would give her some relief, but her belly got distended so we ended up putting it back in to remove the air. I bet we took out 50cc of air from her belly. She then seemed to rest better. Poor baby, she was so tired. :( She finally ended up going to sleep at 4am. I had decided not to call the MD since the episode stopped.
Then on Saturday, she didnt want to eat at all. She kept spitting out her food and milk, so we just NG fed her almost all day. Today, she is eating a minimal amount. She does still seem pretty refluxy too. She has had another BM today which was different in color than her "normal". No diarrhea, but close. Sorry to ramble, it just really freaked me out. I know she's going to get sick eventually, I'm just not prepared to see her so uncomfortable.
I'm planning on calling Dietary tomorrow, and my OT comes back on Tues. I'm not sure what caused all this..it came on really suddenly. My thoughts are it's the yogurt. Maybe she's lactose intolerant? Maybe she's just not tolerating? Kim (Zachary's mommy) told me they told her not to start him on yogurt for another month. I dont know........so frustrating.
Ok, so I'm up to feed her, and she's a bit refluxy. I go in to feed her and she had a huge poopy diaper. This makes #4 for the day. No diarrhea. After I get done feeding her, she vomits all over the crib and herself. I go wake Daddy up because I need help. We change her bed, her clothes and Daddy takes her to the living room. She vomits two more times on Daddy, once while she was asleep....and then has another huge diaper, this one is diarrhea. 5 bowel movements in 24 hrs.....ugh. Mommy, at this point, is trying not to panic. No fever, however she is crying thru the raspberries she keeps doing. Lots of refluxy coughing/gagging. We ended up taking out her NG tube, thinking that would give her some relief, but her belly got distended so we ended up putting it back in to remove the air. I bet we took out 50cc of air from her belly. She then seemed to rest better. Poor baby, she was so tired. :( She finally ended up going to sleep at 4am. I had decided not to call the MD since the episode stopped.
Then on Saturday, she didnt want to eat at all. She kept spitting out her food and milk, so we just NG fed her almost all day. Today, she is eating a minimal amount. She does still seem pretty refluxy too. She has had another BM today which was different in color than her "normal". No diarrhea, but close. Sorry to ramble, it just really freaked me out. I know she's going to get sick eventually, I'm just not prepared to see her so uncomfortable.
I'm planning on calling Dietary tomorrow, and my OT comes back on Tues. I'm not sure what caused all this..it came on really suddenly. My thoughts are it's the yogurt. Maybe she's lactose intolerant? Maybe she's just not tolerating? Kim (Zachary's mommy) told me they told her not to start him on yogurt for another month. I dont know........so frustrating.
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